


Bleed Red

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bigotry, Child Abuse, Closeted Character, Dark, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, HP UnHappily Ever After Fest 2020, Mental Illness, Morally Grey Snape, Supportive Minerva, Trans Male Character, Unsupportive friend, morally grey pretty much everyone besides Minerva, outing someone, self hatred, suicidal character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: Being happy it seems isn't for everyone, or at least that is something Severus Snape has long since accepted.Long ago he dreamed of being someone—now he simply dreams of the war’s end and all that it will cause.
Relationships: Narcissa Black Malfoy/Severus Snape
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12
Collections: HP UnHappily Ever After Fest 2020





	Bleed Red

  
”I didn't realise who I was until I stopped being who I wasn't.”

Drinking was something Severus despised with every fibre of his being. He hated the smell, the taste the very actions related to being drunk, and yet that was precisely what he was now. He was sitting there in the dank, dark subway station in London. Lucius had said the Dark Lord of all people wanted to meet him here, but that was three hours ago. 

Anger filled every single part of Severus’ mind, rage pouring out like an open faucet soaking everything in its presence. After kicking a few trash cans, slamming his fist against the wall for good measure, then he pulled out the bottle he nicked from his father. That's why Severus sat there drunk. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, Merlin, Severus thought, I should just go home. 

The crack of Apparation snapped Severus out of his thoughts, sobering him up in an instant. Heavy leather boots clicked against the stone ground. ”Sorry I am late, Sarah, something else took longer than I expected, ” hissed who he assumed to be the Dark Lord. ”You know I hate them the muggles, their dirty homes, their silly ways of getting around and most of all, the smell of them.”

”Sir, it's Severus, not Sarah, ” Severus replied, nervous at how the man might react, many purebloods could be downright bigots to things they did not understand. Severus likely was the strangest thing most of them had ever seen the woman who wanted to be a man.

”Lucius informed me of your situation.” Voldemort muttered, “I believe it is best not to share it with the others, but all of the wizards, I understand not wanting to be known by a muggle name. I allow so few in my ranks, Severus Snape, do well to prove you are worthy of it and I will care little about what you call yourself. Come on, let’s get out this rubbish heap there are far nicer places to have this conversation.”

Severus stepped closer to the most handsome man he had ever seen. The Dark Lord looked like the man Severus wished he could one day be. The man was tall, broad-shouldered, fit but not overly so, wavy brown hair and sharp, calculating brown eyes. 

”Take my arm, and we shall leave this Muggle hole in the ground.” 

Severus did just that, feeling as if he was ripped in half and then put back together again with his mother’s knitting needles. But, if the one thing that Severus Snape used to it - pain - it had been a constant companion of his all the days of his life.

Severus felt as if he was stepping off the edge of a cliff. There was no going back - there was no way to turn around. But, in the end, Severus really wouldn't have wanted to anyway. This was his destiny; this was who he was supposed to be. Severus would be better than his father, more powerful than his mother, and maybe just maybe someone who someone could love.

***********************

Black hair fell in clumps landing in the loo sink, Severus held rusted kitchen scissors, they're once bright red handles faded now in the bathroom light. His mother and Lily always told him if only he took care of his hair, it would be beautiful - striking more so than anything, but he didn't dare believe them. 

Severus knew he wasn't cutting it straight; he knew that it would look worse for wear when he was finished. But, Severus didn't care. Cutting it off like this was a ritual of his, it angered his mother much. Even though he would never be the proper pureblood daughter, she had always dreamed of one day having, a child with hacked up greasy hair was far worse than just the dirty halfblood Severus Snape was. 

The smeared with dirt, dust, and grime that could not be cleaned door slammed open. Eileen came in like a hurricane, ”Sarah Eileen Snape! How many times must you do this? How many? You're poor pretty hair! Are you trying to make yourself look worse? I thought being friends with that beautiful Muggleborn girl might teach you how to be a lady. Might enlighten you on how not to do things just like this. 

But, I should have known a stupid Mudblood wasn't capable of such things. Why did I expect you, the dirty little halfbood that you are? I shouldn't expect you to understand your place and what you should do.”

Severus knew it was coming; his mother had acted this way before. It wasn't exactly the same way. He felt her fingers knot in what was left of his greasy black hair. They were like knitting needles or maybe even knives digging sharply into his skin and then Eileen slammed her child’s cheek abruptly into the dirty, already cracked mirror. His blood-stained it, looking oddly beautiful in the old crushed mirror. 

Severus stared at himself through the shards of mirror and his own blood. He would be more than the daughter of Tobias Snape and Eileen Prince. They might call him Sarah, and he might answer, but he made a promise to himself he would be the man he was supposed to be, one day. No matter what. No matter what it took. 

”I hate you, mother, every single bloody part of you,” he muttered under his breath so she would not hear. ”And I will not be your replacement. I will not do what you wished you would have. Marry some pureblood man and have a nice little family. I am better than that.”

Eileen thankfully had already left the bathroom, or she might have done more damage to him. Not Severus would have cared. The pain was something that made him want to work harder, to do all that he could to show them how wrong they were. Severus Snape was not like the rest of them, who coward from the pain; it gave him a reason to fight. There something wonderful and so utterly horrible about that, but it was all the child had ever known.

****************************

They were fourteen Severus and Lily. His friend had only grown more beautiful. But he, on the other hand, has only become more uncomfortable with his body. It had changed in ways he thought it wasn't supposed to. No matter what anyone said, it felt unnatural. It felt wrong. It felt like it was someone else’s body, and he was just trapped in it. Lily went on just like his mother before her, that if he only tried harder - put more work into his appearance - made an effort being nicer, some boy would like her. 

They sat there by the lake sunlight streaming through the trees. Lily in her bright Gryffindor robes, brand new like always. He stared, hoping she didn't notice he was staring at her pale legs. Severus, on the other hand, was trapped in his mother’s old things. His faded Slytherin robes, and a skirt that he regularly imagined throwing into the fire in the common room. 

Severus had mentally gone through the process of doing it, burning up his things and sneaking into the boy’s dorm to steal something from each trunk. The spoiled stupid rich little pureblood's wouldn't notice one thing missing, with the way their stupid minds worked. 

Always getting what they wanted - always having what they needed. They never could understand what it felt like to be Severus, not as a halfblood, not as someone poor, not as someone who thought that they were in the wrong body, and surely not as a transexual. 

”Sarah, what do you want to do once we leave school?” Lily asked. 

”I don't know Lily. I really want to work with potion’s, but I need to earn my mastery to do that, and it costs quite a bit of money.” Severus answered, ”But if I can't do that, I will likely take whatever I can get.”

”Surely they would help someone like you, with your family situation...” Lily muttered, ”They have programs for Muggleborns from backgrounds like yours.”

”That’s only for Muggleborns, ” Severus sighed. ”They think because my mum’s a witch she can afford to fund all of my education. That's why I have her old things - we can't get anything new for my schooling.”

”Surely if you explained to them, Sarah...” she reached for her friend, trying to give her some sort of comfort. Trying to remind her someone did care about her.

”Just stop! No one likes me enough to help me, Lily. I am downright unpleasant at best.” He snarled, pulling away from her, ”Can’t you see what they see? Don't you? The ugly, dirty  _ stupid _ Slytherin. The girl whose mother went feral and shacked up with a Muggle. The girl from the wrong side of the tracks.” Severus did not add the last part of his thoughts, the girl who wishes she wasn't a girl.

”Sarah if you keep saying stuff like that?” Lily snapped. ”One day I am going to believe you. Because I think you honestly believe it yourself!”

”Lily, ” He called out reaching for her, not meaning to be as harsh as he was. ”Lily, I am sorry. It's just...”

”Just what? Snape? Sometimes I swear to Merlin that I never truly know you that you're hiding something from me. And sometimes it scares me. That you just like the rest of the Slytherins. Just like Bellatrix Black and Lucius Malfoy.”

”I am not. I swear it.” Severus said softly, ”I am not like them. I am hiding something, and I promise I will tell you. Just let me get the stuff together and I will.”

”When? When the sky falls down?” She snapped, ”When we graduate? When, Sarah, because I don't believe you anymore.”

”Tomorrow, ” He muttered, ”I will tell you tomorrow after classes.”

Severus felt like he was going to be sick, but this would be for the best, in the end - he hoped.

************************

”You are what?!” Lily shouted, her face nearly as red as her hair, which was saying something.

”I said, Lily, I was supposed to be born a boy.” Severus snapped as if he was talking to someone who was rather feeble-minded. ”Muggles have a word for it, transexual.”

”So you're some sort of faggot? A lesbian, Sarah?”

”Stop calling me that!” He snarled at her. Severus stood up harshly and then began to pace in front of the lake. His robes blew loudly in the wind, slapping against his pale knobby knees. He looked like a rather bad impression of the person who he would one day become.

”Sarah, it's your name!” She cried. ”What else am I supposed to call you? We aren't children anymore. Aren't playing some silly game of make-believe where you can be the prince, and I can be the princess. I know you hate it because it reminds you of your father, but you can go by a different name, a female name. But this? This is bloody insanity. I know you don't want to marry, but this is not the way to go about getting out of it.”

”I am not a girl!” Severus sobbed. ”No matter how much I force it, no matter how much I insist to myself I am - I am not a girl. I will not grow up to be a woman of any sort, proper or improper: proud halfblood, Muggle, Muggle hater or Muggle lover. I am not that, Lily, I can't pretend anymore. And if I do, it's going to kill me.”

”We can't just change our gender because we want to; it doesn't work that way!”

Severus pulled Lily close; he towered over her. Maybe it was because of how short his friend was, or maybe it was because of how tall he was. It mattered not to him either way. 

”I love you, Lily Evans, as more than a friend, how a man should love a woman.” Then Severus kissed her. His first kiss, Lily’s lips tasted like her cherry lip gloss and something that was just her. 

She pulled away harshly and slapped him soundly across the cheek. It stung like all hell. Severus pressed his hand against his cheek. Against his will, tears started to fall from his black eyes. 

”I am not interested in your games, Snape! Like I said before we aren't children anymore, and I am not a Lesbian!” Lily screamed at him her emerald green eyes filled with hate and scorn. She looked at him the way Potter always did. Like he was just a piece of rubbish under the toe of her boot. ”Maybe Potter is right, and you are just a freak.”

Lily started to walk away, and Severus heard Black’s laughter reaching him through the trees. He knew what was coming and the doom it would prove to be for him. At least that is what it felt like.

********************

Eileen was insisting that Severus had to do this. The only reason why he wasn't running for the hills - she promised him potion ingredients, and time to work on them. Eileen Prince rarely ever used her magic, partly because she feared her husband, and likely at least her son believed because she had given up. His mother never healed his bruises, his cuts, or the wound she caused. 

Yet the woman held out her wand to make Severus’s hair longer, his once short collar-length hair in an instant went down to his mid-back. 

“You are so beautiful Sarah, if you only took better care of yourself!” Eileen muttered, as she grabbed her hairbrush and started to rake through Severus’s hair. 

He stared at himself in the mirror and barely recognised the person staring back at him. If it was anyone else’s reflection staring back at him, Severus didn't like her, even if she could be considered alluring, if not beautiful. Ivory pale skin, dark lined long-lashed black eyes, blood-red lips, silky clean thick black hair, his nose was still there, too large, too sharp, but the other details distracted from it. 

The very sight of the woman staring back in the mirror made him want to vomit. When Eileen was finished, she placed a small comb into the right side of his hair. A silver snake on it shined in the dirty dim bathroom lights. 

”This was my mother’s once, and now Sarah it's yours. Let me go get your dress. It's black just like you like it.”

Must she ruin everything? Severus thought he was never going to live this down, but he was still her child, and this would make her happy. Eileen helped him step into the heavy lace long-sleeved dress. Then the small pair of heels that meant he towered over his frail mother. Severus could survive one night of this, couldn't he? One night to make her happy - one night to allow his mother back into the world, she loved so much. 

He tugged on his wool cloak, with its silver buttons like it was armour and he was going off to battle.  _ Merlin, strike him down now _ , Severus thought. Sidelong Aparation always made him sick, but it doubled with the way he already felt.

They landed outside of the gates of Malfoy manor, Eileen seemed to light up in a way she never had before in all the time her son had known her. It was like Eileen believed firmly she belonged in this world. Didn't she though? Eileen had been born a pureblood witch - a Prince - while they weren't exactly like the Malfoys, they were proud of who they were. 

Mother and child walked the path up to the manor, elder with grace and confidence. Severus, on the other hand, felt like a horse on ice skates. Each step was nearly a wobble or a stumble; each step felt as if it was an invitation to meet the cobblestones under his feet. Merlin, he hated them. These stupid wretched things it felt as if they were invented just to make him fall flat on his face.

Once they made it to the double doors of the manor house, Severus knew one battle was over, and another had just begun. 

”You should smile more, Sarah, ” Eileen snapped. ”It makes you look more beautiful when you do.”

”I don't smile, mother. I just don't.”

”Everyone smiles, now  _ smile _ . Stop looking like I am trying to murder you. Very few people in our position receive an invitation like this.” Her eyes narrowed at him in the moonlight, ”So for the love of Merlin, act as if you're grateful to be here. Or we might not get another!”

Severus gave his mother a dangerous smile that was more like a snarl—showing off just a bit of slightly crooked teeth. 

”Must you be such a freak, Sarah? Now stop that before someone sees!”

”You told me to smile, so I did, ” Severus snarled, knowing he had won, and was quite proud of that fact. “I was only doing what you asked.”

Eileen reached for the iron door knocker, it was a snake and knocked it. 

The creature that answered the door was a small grey-skinned house-elf in a peach-coloured pillowcase, her blue-grey eyes we're sharp as they narrowed at them. She snapped at them, ”Guests are supposed to take the floo.”

”Well we did not do that, now may we come in?” Eileen snapped, with an air of someone who had once been in a station far better than she was now. 

”Yes, Miss and miss?” The house-elf asked, clearly judging them. It made Severus want to snarl, but he bit his tongue. How dare a house-elf of all things would treat them in such a way? As if it was better then them. It wasn't.

”Ms Prince, and Ms Snape, ” his mother said.

”Come in mistresses, ” the house-elf wheezed. Then she snapped, ”What has the manor come to, allowing in a blood traitor and a dirty halfblood?” The creature walked off, leaving them to do with their own cloaks. It did think it was better than them, thought Severus. 

”Mother you lied to them, didn't you?”

”No I did not, I do plan on leaving your father... After you have graduated from Hogwarts.”

”Whatever, ” he snapped at her. ”A lie is a lie no matter how you cut it.”

”Stop talking like a dirty Muggle, ” she shot back.

”Then you shouldn't have slept with one, and then I wouldn't talk like one.” 

Mrs Malfoy walked into the room, her pale blue gown the same colour as her eyes. ”Hello Eileen, and this must be Sarah.”

”It is, Sarah, this is Amara Malfoy, the mother of Lucius, wife of Abraxas.” Eileen said, ”Her and I went to school together.”

”She looks like you, but also you can see the Muggle in her.”

Severus drove his slightly too long nails into his palm. He was trying desperately to control himself. Severus wanted to scream at the woman. He wanted to snarl how dare she assume she was better than him? Amara Malfoy didn't know what he was capable of - she didn't know anything about him. 

But, instead, Severus bit his lip and said, ”Hello, Mrs Malfoy, thank you for having us.” It felt as if he was selling his very soul, not for himself, but by bringing his mother joy. 

”You raised her well, Eileen, even if she is of dirty blood. Now let us join the rest of the party.”

The Malfoy ballroom was a sight to behold, painting a of magical beasts, wizards, witches and landscapes on the ceiling, candles floating in the air like the Hogwarts great hall, even the floor shined brightly. Severus stood in awe and horror. He grew up half-starved while these people did everything but bathe in gold. He knew he could not say that though, not unless Severus desired a sharp boot to the arse and straight out the door or worse. 

He didn't have to smile - no expected him to smile. Severus just had to keep himself from screaming, keep from telling them how he truly felt. His mother had ground into him from the moment he could understand their way out, her way out of the hell hole of Spinner's End was through a good husband for him. But, no man in their right mind wanted someone like him. Ugly, too sharp-tongued, too angry, a social climber, a halfblood, but most of all, the thing he could not tell them and that would not understand even if Severus did. 

The thing that made him think of himself as a name he dared not to voice, a name that was a family name, it was not Muggle. It was not like Sarah. It had been the name of his grandfather, Eileen’s father, Severus. It called to him just like dark magic did. It sang to his very soul. It was who he was supposed to be. Not Sarah Eileen Snape, he was supposed to be Severus Prince.

Severus was never going to be able to save his mother with marrying some stupid wizard who couldn't tell dittany from daisies. But, he could save her by earning her freedom by making enough money that no one cared that Eileen Prince went feral and married some stupid Muggle. If only Severus had the nerve to tell anyone. If only he had the nerve to speak up. If only Severus lived in a world where he would be considered normal. If only Lily would have accepted him.

”Sarah, you're staring off into space again, and Regulus just asked if you would like to dance, ” Eileen said snapping straight out of his thought, slamming into reality like a hail storm on a quiet morning. ”Go, child, go on and say yes.”

”Yes, I will dance with you, ” Severus drawled, uncomfortable already, and they haven't yet even begun to dance. 

Regulus was handsome - if you had a thing for men, and Severus did not. The wizard was dressed in wizarding robes, a deep evergreen nearly black. That was how he was supposed to be. But, there was no time for such thoughts, no place for such worries. Now it was time to act like a proper daughter - even if he felt like nothing but. 

They were nearly the same height, but that mattered little the soft music filled the room. It almost drowned out his worries. But almost was not enough - step, step, step, not on his foot. And then he did. 

Regulus hissed sharply. 

”I am so sorry!” Severus shouted a little too loudly. 

”It’s okay, Sarah, but I think I am done with dancing now.” 

”I swear I didn't mean to do that, I promise, Regulus.”

”Neither of us are great dancers. It wasn't your fault any more than it was mine, ” Regulus muttered. ”I think I am going to take a break and get something to drink, would you like something?”

”Whatever you’re having, is fine, ” Severus softly said. ”I think I’m going to take a seat as well, and get these bloody shoes off.”

Bellatrix, formerly Black now Lestrange might as well have been holding court. She was everything that Severus’ mother wished he was. Beautiful, extroverted, married, and powerful to boot. She giggled with the women around her flirted with men besides her husband, but not to the point of betrayal. 

The woman who may as well have been a goddess stalked over to him like some sort of predator, and he was prey. ”Snape! Didn't expect to see someone like you here, I thought they didn't let in dirty halfbloods, and blood traitors.”

”Well it seemed they do, ” he snapped, ”Lestrange, before calling me a blood traitor or a dirty halfblood you should look at your own family.”

”You little halfblood jerk. Mummy liked a Muggle far too much, but you know something, Snape?” Bellatrix whispered into his ear, ”I know your secret, the one you hide from everyone. The one you told your little Mudblood friend. Why don't we show everyone just that is? Why don't we?”

”Don’t, Black, I will do anything. Please don't do that! Not with my mother here. Not in front of everyone!”

”Maybe you should have thought about that, Snape before you stepped out of your place, ” She growled. 

A simple spell something seemed so stupid with all that it would do and gone was the dress. His mother’s dress. In its place was a Muggle suit. But, either by choice or by accident there was no shirt. 

“Give you exhibit A my fellow worthy wizarding kind the blood traitor who can’t accept what she is. She’s got this Muggle belief that she can and should be a man!” Bellatrix laughed and cackled like some crazed monster. 

Severus bolted, running as fast as he possibly could away from the ballroom. Away from the sounds of their laughter, and his mother’s scorn filled eyes. He slammed the glass doors open shocked they did not shatter under his hands, under the force behind his anger. The lite drizzle of rain seemed to calm the anger that brewed beneath his skin like a potion starting to overflow. 

He saw her then, Narcissa, dressed in a black fur-lined robe. Her white gold spun hair, her beautiful blue eyes, her porcelain skin. Between her long elegant fingers was a cigarette. 

”Hello, Snape, I am sorry for whatever my sister has done.” Narcissa softly said.

”Talk is cheap Black, ” Severus snarled. ”Bloody cheap, always will be. So unless you have something more than words? Piss off!” 

Narcissa held her wand out, Severus could make out its black wood in the dim light, and she pointed it at him. Even with all that he had just said with so much bravado - having a wand pointed at him, still unnerved Severus. He shut his eyes, preparing for the very worst, and instead all she put on Severus was a simple warming charm. 

The brush of Narcissa’s magic felt as if it was brushing his soul, for some unclear reason, Severus felt like he could truly trust her. Something about her magic felt right to him in the way no one else had ever done so before. He opened his eyes and stared at her, watching as Narcissa walked over to him, taking off her cloak and wrapping it around him. 

”As you can see, I am not all talk, Severus. I like you are not what I seem at first.” She whispered, ”Come and find if you ever need me or when you learn to accept the person that you are. Because I find him far more beautiful than the person you are pretending to be.”

Narcissa kissed his cheek and then left Severus standing on the balcony dressed in her cloak, as the rain poured down. He would have to go and face the crowd, as well as his mother. But he could not leave this peace just yet - this comfort. Someone could accept him; he just needed to work on being able to accept himself. 

***************************

Severus’ mother snarled at him as soon as they had left Malfoy manor, ”How could you do that? How could you make such a fool of me? You have ruined your chance ever to marry. To ever improve your standing.”

”You mean, to improve  _ your _ standing?” he shot back. ”This has nothing to do with me! I have no desire to marry someone I do not love or even like! I don't like men, mother! Never have, never will!”

Eileen reached out with her claw-like hand, gripping it in his long rope-like black hair and then slapped her son across the face. In that instant, he realised that she did not love him, she did not care for him, and that all Eileen, his mother of all people, saw him as was a way to get what she wanted. Her toe back into the wizarding world. His heart,  _ soul _ , mind and body be damned - her desires meant that she was willing to crush him, Severus, her child to get what she wanted.

Eileen Prince was a pureblood witch; she saw her halfblood child as her greatest mistake. She had no love for him nor for Tobias, her husband. Eileen was a true Slytherin, a snake in the grass. Her ambitious nature lay just under the surface of herself - the willingness to burn up anything to get back to the top. Back into the magical world. 

“A normal mother, mother would not slap me because of what someone did to me!” Severus snarled, ”A normal mother would ask me if I am alright!”

”And a proper child wouldn't be like you, ” Eileen growled. ”Who gave you that cloak? Who did? Or did you steal it? That is the last thing we need.”

”I did not steal it! I would never take anything that was not mine or given to me,” He cried out. “Narcissa loaned it to me.”

”Why would Narcissa Black, future wife of Lucius Malfoy give or loan a foul creature like yourself something? She wouldn't dare speak to you, let alone help you!”

”Well, she did. She sees what I am capable of being unlike you.”

”Just like the Mudblood did? I would bet anything she told Bellatrix’s cousin Sirius about you, and that is why she did what she did.”

”I hate you mother!” Severus snapped. ”I wish nothing but ill on you. You shall never leave this house, and you shall die with him.”

”And you, Severus, as you desire to be called, ” Eileen laughed. ”Shall always be alone.” 

Neither of the Snape realised what they were saying would come to pass. 

Eileen would die that summer in her sleep, heart attack, the muggles claimed. Her child was only eighteen and already gone - living in a cheap knockturn alley flat. Severus wondered did that mean what his mother said would also be true? Would he always be alone?

***********************

Severus walked into the dirty bar; he saw her sitting there, Lily. Her bright red hair stuck out like a flame in the darkest of nights. He had taken to trying to pass as a man now. It wasn't that hard - honestly, everyone tended to ignore him. His frame had always been rather lean, and he had always been tall. His robes are heavy and wool with their layers underneath. Severus Snape passed as a man.

Either people did not care enough to bother to correct him when he introduced himself as Severus, or they did not care enough to. The latter was likely the case. He was just the stupid little halfblood Slytherin, the halfblood Prince. Lily had asked to meet him here, by owl, and his heart leapt at the idea. He wanted so desperately to say sorry for that day by the lake, and to tell her being friends was fine, if that was all she desired.

That wasn't the truth, but Severus Snape was like a dog willing to take whatever scraps he could get. 

“Hello, Lily,” he said softly a few feet back, his hands twisting into his robes and trying desperately not to jump out of his own skin. 

“Hi, Sarah - Severus - I meant Severus,” she stuttered out, her hand over her mouth. “Gosh I am sorry, I didn’t mean to call you that.”

Severus said nothing; it wasn’t worth it to say anything. Doing so would either make her think he did not care by saying what she might accept, which was fine, which was not the case. Or Severus could say something that would upset her, which seemed like the only thing Severus was good at. He took his seat next to Lily, and ordered a fire whiskey. The redhead placed her small hand on his wool-covered arm; he couldn’t help but shiver under her touch. 

“Lily, I missed you so much,” he whispered, taking a drink once the glass was set in front of him. Her green eyes stared at him haunting him, reminding him of all could have been. He saw it then, a simple gold band on the ring finger of her left hand. “You are going to marry him, aren’t you?”

“Severus...l he’s changed from when we were kids.”

“Potter changed?” Severus snarled, “Impossible! People like him don’t change. The world as his feet - why in the world would he feel the need to change?” 

“He has, and so have you,” Lily said softly, taking a sip of her butterbeer. “I didn’t come here to argue about the past.”

“Then what did you come here for?” He hissed back at her, taking another pull of the whiskey feeling the burn of it and it’s bitter taste. “Why did you ask to meet me?”

Lily shut her jade green eyes, turned away from him, and stared out the window nearest to her, “I asked to meet you to remind you that you don’t have to join him. You don’t have to be like them. That if you give up the dark arts, you can be accepted.”

“I will never be accepted Lily, the halfblood, the Slytherin, the freak, we all aren’t as lucky as you. No matter what I do, so I will do what I must to survive.”

“As lucky as I am? As lucky as I am?” Lily laughed, picking up her bottle of butterbeer as if she was considering hitting him with it. But most all, but for the rest of Severus’s life, that painful, troubling sound of it would haunt him. ”That man you want to sell your soul to would kill me on sight. But that doesn't matter... All you care about is power!”

”And all you care about is what others think of you,” Severus bellowed, desperate not to let her know how much she hurt him all those years ago, “You hurt me, Lily, so now I am just returning the favour.”

“Go to bloody hell, Snape!” She snarled, shoving him, “You took the mark already, didn’t you?”

”I don't know what you're talking about, Evans!”

”He’s right about you. I hoped he was wrong.” Lily cried, ”He thinks you're simply playing pretend I can assure you.”

”I know that, but he doesn't pretend he's my friend,” Severus sighed and started to walk away from Lily, leaving a chance to step back from the cliff behind, “Stay safe, Lily.”

“Find the light, Sev, find the light.”

”There is no light at least not for me. People like me don't have lights to find.”

**************************

The prophecy turned out would not be the thing that would bring him honour, but what brought him doom. It was about Lily; it was about her son. It was about her son with Potter. He wanted to run to Narcissa, to find his way one last time into her arms and her bed. To save Lily, he was going to have to betray the woman he loved. Severus was going to have to turn on the only people who had ever accepted him as he was.

He could forget what the Dark Lord has said, keep his head down and let what was going to happen - happen. Did that make him a monster? Did that make him a terrible person? Did it make Severus a snake in the grass only in it for himself? 

No. No matter what Lily had done, she was still his first friend, and for the longest time his only friend. She deserved to live. To raise that  _ brat _ of hers - to be happy. Bloody hell he was going to have meet with Dumbledore again, and that had been so pleasant the first time. His head still throbbed at the memory, like he had forgotten something that he should remember.

Something important. Severus Snape was many things, but he was not forgetful. It did not matter. Whatever it may have been, it was what it was he had other things to worry about. Like Dumbledore, Lily, and trying to figure out how to walk the tightrope that would likely soon become his life. He knew it in his heart Albus Dumbledore wouldn’t give something like this for free - even he already would do it. Severus knew he wouldn't because he was in his shoes he too would use the other man because that's just the way things worked in the world. For better or for worse.

**************************

Selling his soul to save Lily Potter wasn't the craziest thing Severus Snape had done - not by far. Agreeing to teach potion’s on the other hand, was insane. Why in Merlin’s name did the man want him to become a professor? It likely was only to keep Severus close to him - because he didn't trust him - which was honestly quite a good idea. After over a decade of doing it, he thought he was decent, if a bit cruel at the practice of teaching. But, that mattered little, Severus was here as a spy, not a professor first and foremost.

Severus wouldn't trust himself either. More so after Dumbledore had not succeeded in saving the woman. Sometimes he wanted to take a knife and stab the Headmaster in the back. Make him pay for all he done, but that wasn't exactly possible. They had far too much to do for the war effort for such a thing. 

Dumbledore and the others called him that name, that name that made his blood boil. The one that made him want to throw things. Narcissa barely spoke to him anymore; he would bet anything she knew the truth about what side Severus was on, though he never voiced it.

To his students, though he was Snape, Professor Snape, that's all he would ever be, until blasted Potter went digging in his memories. That boy cut him far deeper than anyone else had ever done, but he was Lily’s boy, so maybe it was just a son like his mother. Death would be a gift, a sweet relief, but something he would have to earn with his mind and soul. Did one stupid choice really mean someone deserved to live as something that they were not?

Potter had told his friends it seemed. Weasley laughed, ”Hey, Sarah, isn't that your name?”

The know-it-all slapped her possible future husband upside the head. 

Minerva waltz over to her student's head held high, ”Mr. Weasley, you will respect Professor Snape; he is your professor. No matter what you may think of him.”

”But... She's not a he!”

”Want to add another week of detention?”

”But it's its name!” the Weasley boy cried.

”A month of detention for disrespect and your behaviour. With me.” Said the old professor. 

”A month? For using someone’s proper name?” Granger muttered. 

”No a month for disrespecting, judging someone and being cruel! Cruelty is both the actions are taken and the intent behind it, Granger, ” Minerva snapped. ”You of all people should understand that.”

”Don't compare, Hermione, to that  _ thing _ !” Potter squeaked out. “She’s just the greasy git I mean  _ girl _ .”

Severus thought maybe he should have thrown the jar at Potter’s head, not next to it. He growled ready to tell the brat where to shove it. But Minerva cut him off before he could get a word in edgewise.

”Detention for all three of you, then, two months. Anymore? And fifty points from Gryffindor, each.”

”No, Professor, ” they said in unison.

Once they were gone, the woman turned Severus and said, ”Enjoy winning our bet this year, Severus.”

He felt his face heat up. No good would come out of her calling him that, not while he was here, ”You're not supposed to call me that. Dumbledore insisted...”

”Dumbledore has his own secrets - how dare he judge you for yours? My friend.”

”Your secret is safe with me, and I will make sure it's safe with those three as well, ” Minerva muttered. ”It's the least I can do after...”

”Please don't speak of it,” he said to her, staring sharply at the stone floor beneath his feet. “I don’t like to think of what Potter and Black did or that Black was  _ friendly _ enough with his cousin to insure a repeat of it.”

“You have friends here at Hogwarts; you always will so long as I am here.” She firmly said, ”Albus, can put his opinion on his shelf of junk.”

For once in a long time, Severus Snape, who was still back firmly in the closet, his closet, felt a little less alone in said closet. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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